:(
elindestinee

想去真的有这么难吗?

 

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Things Changed..
elindestinee

Probably what people always say is correct.  being in a relationship, the start is always the sweetest and it goes downhill as the years passes one by one.. it's not that I am not listening, it's jus that the answer given doesn't seem to be correct. I haven't changed, I have been like always the a lot of questions person.. but probably patience is running out, my questions became a nuisance.

 

How I wished I have someone to talk to now.. someone who could listen and understand what is in my mind. But this hour, and the limited friends, sadly, I have to turn to blogging ranting how I feel..

 

Is it so hard to listen? Probably yes.. I dunno.. or is it me, who has become a pest who nags and drills in to people. Problem I shouldn't care and ask so much... which is a scary part of a relationship. When one doesn't care or ask or nag, it means that the person have given up hope.. have I? I dunno.. I love him, probably my method was wrong.. tied to hard causing both sides to be stranded and tired.. I feel tired.. tired of the nights we hang up sadly, tired of the mind games, tired of the guessing, tired of crying over the night, tired of lies, tired of worrying over financially, our stability etc. When must I be worried when it doesn't seem to affect u.

 

Trust, something I have to work on but really I don't know how to start.. too much incidences in the past making me v lost as well.. someone, please guide me.. its a torture not to trust someone. I couldn't even meet the basic of a relationship, so how would I know how to love someone.

 

I wish love was a fairy tale which ends with a happily ever after.. All I wanted are truths, us being stable and just love me whole heartedly.. is it so difficult?

 

Talking seems to be a barrier for me.. and I always suck at it. I speak my mind, rarely beat around the bush. A pro, but also a killer character.

 

I feel the ache. Will we be blissful ? What will turn out to be in future. 2 years already cannot take my nag and questions le.. what about 20 years down the road. I think far, it's not about me v good about linking which u always felt I am doing this. Don't we see the same direction?

 

Forgiving is something very hard to do, I think I did it a lot of times. But this should not be taken for granted.  I felt taken for granted at times.. I always tell ppl, cherish before it is gone.. I cherish by forgiving. but after the forgiving, was I cherish? I hope I was.. but even it is not is also I choose this path de..

 

The hurt brought could be forgotten one by one.. but it requires time. You say why am I always the innocent party.. but what have I done to make myself not an innocent party.. even if I am not at fault, I apologise so as to keep the relationship moving.. is my bad to spoil u..

 

I just wish someone could listen and understand.. Nights to myself..

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心里话
elindestinee

Its been a while since I last blog.. guess this is the place where I can say out how I really feel. Since its a long forgetten place, I guess no one reads it also.. at least not a place where ppl calls me stupid or crazy..

 

Havent been in v good health lately.. could feel something is wrong.. but couldnt name whats going on.. having dizzy spirits and heart seems to be like sinking and feel faintly.. hopefully its nothing major.. and hopefully it is only due to anxiety and not other things.. but.. maybe am getting old, and age is catching up and body isnt as good as in the past.. I dunno..
Am feeling upset now though.. its not that I dont appreciate what u have done for me or whatever u have done is wrong.. probably I was too eager for everything to happen.. but.. ya.. I was too eager which probably irritates u..

 

Plans?? What was done?? Saying yes to my plan for the 6 hours that I have spent thinking where to go that suits the train line so u wont be so tired? Cracking my brain to see where suits u so that u dont have to walk so much.. and that 6 hours.. I only receive.. looks good, get my friend to see the plan.. and nth else.. looks like ur friend is going w us and not u going with me.. HK trip, I planned it, chose a wrong hotel.. and I know it spoilt ur days there w the wrong hotel chose.. it looks good on pics.. I didnt know it would be this bad.. was I thanked for? I dont rmb..

 

Wedding banquet.. ya, too early to book now I think.. it's 1.7 months away.. haha.. just me being crazy.. from viewing to checking to making appointments.. and what u mentioned.. huh why must do one shot.. we have to do it sooner n later though isnt it..

 

Our trips.. I ask my friend see this ask my friend help me book.. cant u go see and do it? always ask ppl do this n do that.. in the end, nth is done.. malaysia trip??? what is the outcome?? like nth..

 

Planning for the house layout.. was bored and started doing it.. cos at work nth to do.. was called stupid.. ya I was stupid to do it too..

 

After what u said today, I know that in your heart, I am stupid and crazy.. harsh and hurting words I can say.. I felt that I have become stronger.. I felt hurt by the words, I tear.. but I didnt flare up.. but deep inside me.. I felt ripped up.. swallowed the pain that builds up to my heart.. and tear alone in the room.. who can I speak to on how I felt..

 

I remember you once told me that I shld speak up on how I feel.. I did.. I spoke up.. but whatever I speak, I always got shot down.. probably the words I used wasnt right.. I tot u know me.. know what I was trying to say.. but u didnt.. what u felt was me blaming u.. where all I wanted was some initiative, some actions and some eagerness in what I say..

 

Sorry to say that I am born stupid and crazy.. this is what I am.. I am born stupid to always do silly and unnecessary thing.. I m crazy as I dont like things to be set there waiting.. we are opposite.. u do things at ur own pace... my urgency level.is too high.. but I dont see much urgency in u.. probably we are talking at a different language when it comes to this..

 

Wedding bands.. I dunno if u understood what I wanted to say... wedding bands is not about what I like only.. if u dont like it, I wouldnt too.. I wish to get something where we both have a common love for it.. u mentioned simple design is fine with u.. simple also comes on different cuts and design.. but do u like it?? Is it so difficult to sit down and we go see what we like and want?

 

Money issue is back.. hopefully as said.. it would not happen the next month.. I couldnt save if this happens month after month.. I feel stress.. for our future.. I worry when this is happening currently and I was always brushed off when I mentioned this topic.. its been months, some improvements but not totally.. m I worrying for nothing? I dunno.. I feel that I look too far.. is this called crazy also?? U always tell me dont worry.. how could I not be.. the nights u are sleeping, I am awake thinking how would our future be.. should I take up another job? how can I save? what shld I do? why am I worrying? its because I care. I care too much and it becomes crazy.. I worry for ur expenses, do u have enough for train, for food and for cig.. in terms of money, have I let u worry before? I not enuff, I take from my savings.. I used to not think too much and will buy whatever I like.. now, even a daiso $2 item, I will think n think if I wanna get it.. I recall myself at daiso that day.. I took 3 items.. after.much tots, I put all 3 back.. just because I felt ya.. maybe I dont need it.. the money that I gave, u always say u will transfer back.. I felt like I was begging for it back.. or it seems to irritate u v badly.. I fear to ask or bring it up.. and u return me bit by bit.. I felt like beggar..do u know there are times I am down w cash also.. per time I take from my savings, I feel v bad.. I blame myself every single time I took from savings.. I worry and calculate how much I can spend a month.. I worry for ur line being cut off, I fear my credit bills not paid and get fine.. but u, took it v lightly and tell me nothing is wrong with it.. this words crush me badly.. here me trying every single bit to save, try every single bit not to over spends.. but, u took it v lightly and I remember u quarreling it w me when u felt there was nothing wrong.. this hurts me v deeply..

 

Everytime we quarrel, u may realise that I didnt raise my voice nor talk back.. but instead I talk every word in a v peaceful tone.. cos I know that we will never come out of anything.. in the end, it will always be my fault for being stupid, me dont understand, or me thinking too much.. so what is the point of quarreling when the outcome is always the same.. it makes me look and feel stupid when before u finish a sentence, u will always say.. nvm u dont understand.. actually I do understand.. but u? do u understand and know how I feel??

 

My words may somehow sound unnice to u.. but ask yourself.. If I am really nice all the time, will things change? u may find me naggy, irritating.. but did u realise a change of a better u have taken place? I am not a self centered person.. I dunno if u have ever thought that sometimes what I say do make some sense.. or would it feel better that the person who nags at you disappear one day, will u really feel better?

 

Dont forget, I appreciate whatever u have done.. but if things could spice up w a few initiative and let ppl feel u are eager, will it be better? I am not saying u are not good, but I know u could do better..

 

Nuff said.. I dunno when will u encounter this blog.. just hope one day 你会知道我的用心和我的好!

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2013.1.4 - Proposal
elindestinee

Today, Baby proposed to me.. still super happy about it that today is finally the day. before the proposal, we had lunch at sakae sushi and then head down to vivo and we caught a movie call Taxi taxi..  can't say fabulous but want that bad..

 

After roaming around for about 45min, we head to mount faber. we cab up at walking seems pretty impossible.. then we walk around for a while.. took some pictures before we walked up to the bistro and have our dinner.. then something strange happened Since 6pm. Dear's friend one by one text me one alphabet.. which piece up to.. WILL YOU... then just nice 7pm the last text came.. then Baby asked for flowers and asked me will I marry him.. of course I say want la.. lol. 

 

under the nice scenery we had moomoo and chatted a lil..  simple yet make me happy proposal.. I feel So blissful..

 

I rmb when I was young.. I always tell mum that dunno will ppl ever Marry me cos I ugly.. but now.. I can brush away these Tot..

 

It's near 18 months for isn't. another achievement.. next up.. is our hdb booking and our wedding photoshoot tour package booking.. oh my.. So many nice things are happening..

 

And Baby, Thanks for making this day happened.. hope our relationship will be stronger and also never will we part if anything happens.. and don't break my heart.. I love u.. mackie..

the ring

 


the flowers and me



我做错了什么
elindestinee

说实在,我做错了什么?也不是第一次为这个话题而吵。有进步但不是完全的解决。自己也不是很有钱,每个月,这省那省还是不够用。你有曾体会我,心疼我吗。

 

你说会减轻我的负担。但我怎么觉得负担还是那么重。每个月这样每天跟你追电话费,我多给的钱,我真的好累。跟你拿有时要一直问,问多你不高兴。不问我很辛苦,这你知道吗?

 

我不是和你计较。但当我想和你理论的时候,你总是会发脾气。很像是我的错。我为了不想继续吵架,我退一步和你道歉。但你选择要理不理的态度。有时真的很难跟你沟通。

 

今天我选择转生走掉,你一通电话也不回。那一刹那我心死了!


Undescribable Feeling
elindestinee

After the phone call. the 每天看不会 sianx.mehx? that sentence.. pierced through v deep inside me.. I can feel the ache every breath I taking in after the phone call.. 有心碎的感觉. this line quite cruel.. held back my tears before hanging up the phone.. I tried my best not to tear during the conversation..

 

Hai..  probably is my fault.  Why did I wanna ask.. not for me to worry also.. think too much liaox.  silly me. 我想信缘分,那就随缘吧,what will come will come.. what doesn't.. so be it..

 

Finally come to realise.. 我还真的很烦。since I have upgrade to the irritating stage. I shall not heave a word.. you say I don't understand.. actually I do.. but since this will irritate u. regardless it is irritating or not irritating or u can accept a certain level of irritation, I will not heave a since heave a single word of it.. u think I feel good doing this.. I feel I so desperate to get married. so be it.. I don't say, u wont feel irritated.. better this way?

 

Anyway, a lot of things not done ahead.. house dunno  when get.. Taiwan shoot dunno will postponed or not.. hopefully now.. other things not planned. think so far for what.. the more I ask.. the more forward I look upon.. the more daze I get.. might as well let time piece you one by one.. then I wont irritate anyone..

 

还真是口不对心。though i wish things are plan ahead and  now I shall not talk about it.. think so much also no point..  so many things not as smooth as it seems. Housing is a pain in the ass.. without this, i think others can drop idea le. moreover, it takes 2 hands to clap.. I can't be the one always pushing.  probably the other party does not like it.. this case, I rather be a follower..

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是开心还是不开心
elindestinee

I should be happy for you that you got a better pay job where probably you should be happier, with less workload, less stress, no war rooms... but somehow inside me I don't know why I cried and feel depressed.. 你还真了解我,知道我难过。

 

Don't wanna tell you cos I don't wanna affect your decision.. your future is in your hands not mine, I wish that the best is for you but... I cannot be selfish...

 

Thinking that I see u lesser makes me tear.. cos I cherish and love the time we spent together.. true enough that we still meet during weekends... 或许,I am just to the daily thing.. making me v dependent on you.. that this is a daily affair.

 

anyway, I am gonna see u forever in future and this should probably be over in 3 - 4 Years till the time we live together.. 时间还过的真慢。 seems like future is so far far far away...

 

Hai,  不哭了,being silly again.. 或许我把未来看得太重了,我越想快,但却快不了。。 还是随着时间走吧。。或许未来的缘分还没到╮(╯_╰)╭

 

你说得对,可能我真的拿别人和我们比较,所以我变得不耐烦。还是随缘吧,可能结局会更灿烂。


没有标题的标题
elindestinee

酸酸的心,会呼吸的痛,坚强的眼泪似乎边听话了。我没哭也没感觉生气。只是懊恼为什么你不懂我的心。明明就很难受,我也好不自爱的放下尊严向你道歉在先。在乎你的感受所以起初我没有想和你吵架的念头。但似乎一个问题引起了不应而来的真挚。当你和朋友开玩笑时,我是否有没有在你脑海里。别人看了会怎么想。变成了我好象像一个笑话,逼你和我在一起。

 

今天早上班的途中,脑海里漂浮这一片空白。泪也模糊了我得视线。但还是选择默默的往下吞。我的心情能向随倾诉呢?最亲近的你应该还在生气。就算没有我也不敢和你说我的感受 。你常说想知道可以问。我问了取却无法得到你的认同。有时还真的是无言以对,说什么,错什么。你说这件事没有关系到任何尊严,是真的吗?我看了难过,我没顾虑到我的难受却反而到过来安慰你是否你不开心,难道我没放下我的尊严来了解你的心情吗?

 

我难过我还向你道歉,难道你跟你朋友这么说你没错吗?开玩笑归开玩笑,也要有分寸。我不觉得这很好笑。给人家的印象就好像我逼你的。

 

错,你从来都没有觉得你错。就算你以前撒谎,你从来也不觉得自己错。我道歉到有时我也不懂我错在哪里。那还不算放下尊严吗?因为太爱一个人,不是因为觉得自己有错,而是放下尊严道歉一些你不懂错在哪里的事。原来这就是爱。倔强好胜的我跑到哪里了,为什么要这样委屈自己。为什么变得那么懦弱,难道我爱一个人爱到忘了自我?还真的蛮傻的。

 

可能这就是爱吧?


一年了
elindestinee

it's been a year.. time flies.. really fast.. how it started still remains clearly in my mind.. nothing v fancy but memorable that Baby picked me up from the airport, sent me home and on our way home after supper, didn't recall if he asked but very confirmly is no.. haha.. held my hand and we became and item.

 

This year, has been nice for me.. some hiccups here and there but we walked through and still staying strong.. in general I feel 幸福. which couple has no hiccups. at the minimum I know we have not had an official major quarrel before..

 

had fun times w Baby boy.. went a lot of different places which I never go before. eat a lot of different food ..tried roller coaster for the first time of my life.  went museums for the first time.. tried nice hawker food at old kallang airport..  when to flowers at Sentosa, went Universal studio, our movie marathons..  our stomach and belly button vibrating sessions, and yesterday something new.. our painting session together.. and ya, we are going for our first overseas trip and have booked our wedding Photoshoots for next year.

we do have unhappy times but let's put it behind us and more forward to the next year. Happy times will overwrite those times where we are angry, upset or disappointed with each other..

 

next year, hope will be good or even better than this year.. looking forward to our first trip together ♥ gonna have fun know Hong Kong.. with the food and the shopping woohooo....

 

Anyway, Happy 1st Anniversary Baby love.. I cherish our relationship and love you a lot.. hope we can last forever ♥ 我爱你..

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我的语言障碍
elindestinee

Yeah.. I should take a step back now and  mentioned lesser for things like marriage and housing etc. this are the things that I shouldn't be asking or much worried about..

 

didn't expect such happy things eventually turned out sour.. and what I tried to explain, probably it's a bad example. some thoughts are really hard to explain.. the more you explain, the more complicated it gets somehow..

 

Ya.. this shouldn't have a fix date then there will be no elelment of surprise, agree w u on this.. probably initially we shouldn't really be discussing on when is it.. then there won't be arguments on anticipation or looking forward.. stupid me, for counting down this kind of things and felt happier as the days get lesser.. but the happier me has to come to an end today.. cos I should not be knowing when is it.. anyway what will come will eventually be here.. Just 顺其自然吧!

 

quarrelling over happy matters like wedding package, proposal and house makes me seeing the future getting thinner each time.. it's meant to be happy but it turn out sour each time. make me 心灰意冷 as time passes after each suppose to be happy but end up sour quarrels and arguments.

 

I didn't wanna argue back cos eventually I have never so called 'won' in an argument. so eventually I will chose to keep quiet.. by bottling up what I feel makes me more reserved. I remained calm after each argument but what I got was a cold treatment after I tried explaining. cold treatment makes one 退后。Seem to blog more recently u might realise, by those words in my heart that I couldn't confide. Co's u don't understand what I wanna say or how I feel. when I speak, how I feel, most of the time, i will end up not explaining.

 

在一场战争里,打着打着,如果对方一直被磨损,从没赢过,自然而然就会退一步。宁愿输也不想打下去。因为打下去也没有意义。

 

跟你在一起,我真的很开心,这是不能否认的。但如果你能用心去听我想说的东西,那我们就不会闹得不开心。两个人在一起,不应该有语言的障碍。但如果对方觉得说自己的想法会是个令他会怕的事,这是不是出了问题了吗?

 

probably it's my problem also that I always used the wrong examples and words.. I dunno. actually I was OK yesterday.. but what happen earlier on, makes me really upset though..


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