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心里话
elindestinee

Its been a while since I last blog.. guess this is the place where I can say out how I really feel. Since its a long forgetten place, I guess no one reads it also.. at least not a place where ppl calls me stupid or crazy..

 

Havent been in v good health lately.. could feel something is wrong.. but couldnt name whats going on.. having dizzy spirits and heart seems to be like sinking and feel faintly.. hopefully its nothing major.. and hopefully it is only due to anxiety and not other things.. but.. maybe am getting old, and age is catching up and body isnt as good as in the past.. I dunno..
Am feeling upset now though.. its not that I dont appreciate what u have done for me or whatever u have done is wrong.. probably I was too eager for everything to happen.. but.. ya.. I was too eager which probably irritates u..

 

Plans?? What was done?? Saying yes to my plan for the 6 hours that I have spent thinking where to go that suits the train line so u wont be so tired? Cracking my brain to see where suits u so that u dont have to walk so much.. and that 6 hours.. I only receive.. looks good, get my friend to see the plan.. and nth else.. looks like ur friend is going w us and not u going with me.. HK trip, I planned it, chose a wrong hotel.. and I know it spoilt ur days there w the wrong hotel chose.. it looks good on pics.. I didnt know it would be this bad.. was I thanked for? I dont rmb..

 

Wedding banquet.. ya, too early to book now I think.. it's 1.7 months away.. haha.. just me being crazy.. from viewing to checking to making appointments.. and what u mentioned.. huh why must do one shot.. we have to do it sooner n later though isnt it..

 

Our trips.. I ask my friend see this ask my friend help me book.. cant u go see and do it? always ask ppl do this n do that.. in the end, nth is done.. malaysia trip??? what is the outcome?? like nth..

 

Planning for the house layout.. was bored and started doing it.. cos at work nth to do.. was called stupid.. ya I was stupid to do it too..

 

After what u said today, I know that in your heart, I am stupid and crazy.. harsh and hurting words I can say.. I felt that I have become stronger.. I felt hurt by the words, I tear.. but I didnt flare up.. but deep inside me.. I felt ripped up.. swallowed the pain that builds up to my heart.. and tear alone in the room.. who can I speak to on how I felt..

 

I remember you once told me that I shld speak up on how I feel.. I did.. I spoke up.. but whatever I speak, I always got shot down.. probably the words I used wasnt right.. I tot u know me.. know what I was trying to say.. but u didnt.. what u felt was me blaming u.. where all I wanted was some initiative, some actions and some eagerness in what I say..

 

Sorry to say that I am born stupid and crazy.. this is what I am.. I am born stupid to always do silly and unnecessary thing.. I m crazy as I dont like things to be set there waiting.. we are opposite.. u do things at ur own pace... my urgency level.is too high.. but I dont see much urgency in u.. probably we are talking at a different language when it comes to this..

 

Wedding bands.. I dunno if u understood what I wanted to say... wedding bands is not about what I like only.. if u dont like it, I wouldnt too.. I wish to get something where we both have a common love for it.. u mentioned simple design is fine with u.. simple also comes on different cuts and design.. but do u like it?? Is it so difficult to sit down and we go see what we like and want?

 

Money issue is back.. hopefully as said.. it would not happen the next month.. I couldnt save if this happens month after month.. I feel stress.. for our future.. I worry when this is happening currently and I was always brushed off when I mentioned this topic.. its been months, some improvements but not totally.. m I worrying for nothing? I dunno.. I feel that I look too far.. is this called crazy also?? U always tell me dont worry.. how could I not be.. the nights u are sleeping, I am awake thinking how would our future be.. should I take up another job? how can I save? what shld I do? why am I worrying? its because I care. I care too much and it becomes crazy.. I worry for ur expenses, do u have enough for train, for food and for cig.. in terms of money, have I let u worry before? I not enuff, I take from my savings.. I used to not think too much and will buy whatever I like.. now, even a daiso $2 item, I will think n think if I wanna get it.. I recall myself at daiso that day.. I took 3 items.. after.much tots, I put all 3 back.. just because I felt ya.. maybe I dont need it.. the money that I gave, u always say u will transfer back.. I felt like I was begging for it back.. or it seems to irritate u v badly.. I fear to ask or bring it up.. and u return me bit by bit.. I felt like beggar..do u know there are times I am down w cash also.. per time I take from my savings, I feel v bad.. I blame myself every single time I took from savings.. I worry and calculate how much I can spend a month.. I worry for ur line being cut off, I fear my credit bills not paid and get fine.. but u, took it v lightly and tell me nothing is wrong with it.. this words crush me badly.. here me trying every single bit to save, try every single bit not to over spends.. but, u took it v lightly and I remember u quarreling it w me when u felt there was nothing wrong.. this hurts me v deeply..

 

Everytime we quarrel, u may realise that I didnt raise my voice nor talk back.. but instead I talk every word in a v peaceful tone.. cos I know that we will never come out of anything.. in the end, it will always be my fault for being stupid, me dont understand, or me thinking too much.. so what is the point of quarreling when the outcome is always the same.. it makes me look and feel stupid when before u finish a sentence, u will always say.. nvm u dont understand.. actually I do understand.. but u? do u understand and know how I feel??

 

My words may somehow sound unnice to u.. but ask yourself.. If I am really nice all the time, will things change? u may find me naggy, irritating.. but did u realise a change of a better u have taken place? I am not a self centered person.. I dunno if u have ever thought that sometimes what I say do make some sense.. or would it feel better that the person who nags at you disappear one day, will u really feel better?

 

Dont forget, I appreciate whatever u have done.. but if things could spice up w a few initiative and let ppl feel u are eager, will it be better? I am not saying u are not good, but I know u could do better..

 

Nuff said.. I dunno when will u encounter this blog.. just hope one day 你会知道我的用心和我的好!

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