选择性坚强
elindestinee

比起以前的我,我变得比较坚强。我伤重或轻我也分不清。酸酸痛痛的但从没想过要放弃。眼泪也变得很听话,都不落了。望着窗外发呆,仿佛脑海想着我们为什么又吵架了。是我错了吗?这问题一直在我脑里反反复复的浮现。

 

最近心很烦很燥。烦躁到我没好好入眠。我不想令你感到反感,但我也逼于无奈。兜了一圈,结局有又从演一回。我知道你在生气。但我也有我的脾气,我的尊严。我不发泄我的情绪,不代表我不在乎。而是为了不要吵架。我默默吞下不代表我没感觉,而是我了解你的脾气。

 

这一年来,数数看,就算是多难过,多生气,我也忍着,没和你大声过。因为我在乎这段感情。我爱你所以我默默哭泣也不让你知道我伤心。


心里话。。。
elindestinee

累,开始觉得累了。不是精神上的累,而是心里开始觉得累了。我宁愿你对我坦白,就算真的没有,我也会相信。我不要的是你不耐烦的语气,而是想要你很肯定的告诉我真的没有事!不是我不信你,而是我看的一切一切都不如你告诉我的。

 

我不想在猜测因为这样的日子真的很痛苦!对彼此也会开始觉得反感。我不想问,不是我不想知道。而是我怕面对现实。因为我开始问,你就会发脾气。就像对小孩子的待遇。当孩子还没讲完的时候就被骂,将来怎么和爸爸讲心事呢?

 

或许真的没事,是我想太多了。我也不知道。我们将迈进人生的下一步,我们会幸福吗?我想幸福,所以选择什么都不知道,什么都不问。就为了讨取你不对我的反感!

 

我爱你,我也很怕失去你。就是因为太爱你,所以变得不是很懂得爱自己。我难过,我不懂要和谁说。最亲近的你,开始令我说话变成了一个负担。你真的懂我的心吗?

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你不懂我的心
elindestinee

我问了那个问题,我以为你会明白我想要什么,但你却感觉不到我心想什么。我是小人物,我能谅解,因为你很爱你的工作. but well.. it's OK.. work first..

 

我想要有人陪,其实我明天好不想去上班。发烧了,快 38 度,也不会很烫,但就是脚好痛。没关系,明天我也就照常去上班。刚吃了药,烧应该会退。I will be fine tomorrow.. or else next week 就少见了.

 

没事,还是别想太多,晚安!

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(T_____T)"
elindestinee

出现了问题吗?I ain't sure about it also. I know it's not possible Co's we are living so far apart.. if this is leading to an argument after asking me to say.. in future, 我还敢说吗?the more I say, the more in turn it becomes My fault..

 

2 souls together.. shouldn't it be listen, and evaluate together? now it seems like I have said something wrong again..

 

10 months together.. have I 'DEMANDED u to sent me home? if this really really matters to me.. I would have make a hell lot of noise.. and keep on repeating in this issue.. but have I heave a Single whisper about it? I never..

 

yes, I wish u were by My side just now.. but at the station, I also ask u to go back first..  I.know is too much to ask u to go home with me.. I also nv ask paya lebar also.. cos I understand u go back late and ur mummy don't like..

 

I haven't say finish ur first comment was 'not I want also. i also know u want de.. but have you finish listening what I wanna say?

 

now.. My feet aches.. My heart, hurts too.. I wanted some love and concern.. or some caring words.. but after half saying My tots which u wanted to know, it leads to another argument..

 

还是不说好了!I learnt My lesson..


26
elindestinee

how I ended my 26th birthday at home. it started off with a hi and ended up w a quarrel which I never anticipated. my dad somehow went in to my room at looked for my bonus letter.. and mishap was he found it. and now all the saga starts again.. he purposely left the letter opened on my cupboard.. and wanted me to go out myself and tell him how much I am getting.. so he expects me to jump like a monkey and show him how much I get.

 

he made his wife swear in front of the God's that whatever he said her cannot be told to me.. or else something bad will fall on her. having this kind of husband.. I rather not want.. took my mum phone say do setting.. bullshit, he took mum phone to prevent her from calling me and letting me anticipate what is happening at home..

 

felt so plotted out and letting me jump in to set plot. a home that doesn't feel home anymore.. full of traps and pit holes.. I rather jump down the flat then stepping on to all these holes again..

 

have to experience this once a year.. v tiring.. just less than hours.. u can't even give this to me.. why don't u allow me bring smiles to sleep on my birthday..  why let me end up in tears on my birthday.. why?

 

u only saw the present how much I am getting. do u know the expenses Incurred a month? saying back.. why am I paying for things I seldom or rarely use.. unreasonable right.. so on top of what I am giving u a month. have u tot of how much in total I am forking out a month?

 

u say I should share my joy of money to u.. to make it simple.  u wanted me to share my money w u.. sad... only money joy can share.. have u ever wanted to know how I am doing.. was I happy or sad.. No.. u never asked..

 

I feel like moving out and I know it is not out of impulse.. I have been tolerating and giving in these few years.. I had enough.

 

I don't hate people.. but I won't make u an exception.. seriously.. ur actions irked me

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Happy 26th Birthday to Me
elindestinee

11 minutes more till I turn 26. Hope tomorrow will be an enjoyable one.

 

Wish myself to have smoother world path, stay healthy and happy always..

 

Wish to have a happily ever after with baby

 

Wish that all the people I love and care to stay healthy and blissful.

 

and lastly.. Happy Birthday to myself <3

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26 Soon
elindestinee

in 1 more day I will turn 26. Seems like after 21years old the numbers jumps incredibly fast. suddenly felt pretty old though and 30 seems like coming my way soon in 4 years time..

 

apart from work, though it isn't that that bad but just pretty sian and feel not much sense of satisfaction, I think apart from it.. life has been great for me..

 

I met my love and we will be spending our first birthday together.  finally after near 3.5 years, I have someone I love to spend with. Looking forward to the bday celebration.

 

I think I got nothing much I wanna buy le. bought a few gadgets this year. bought iPad, Sony lappy, my birthday gift of pink samsung note, bluetooth headset and today DSLR cammie.  all basically all reported 'work already. all wishes came thru, nth much to ask for already.

 

Looking forward to our 1st overseas trip.. I believe it will be Great Great Fun.. with Disney and shopping and great food waiting for us. hope I wish this 108 days more come faster.

 

hmmm.. can't say it's v short. 70 days more will be baby and I 1st anniversary.. finally can leave the monthsary word. time flies really really fast.. a lot of nice nice memories.. laughter, joys, tears, all also have.. but the happy memories we shared is something I wanna keep in my heart forever.. sounds naive when ppl says forever.. but this is what I am gonna do and remember cos all these memories we shared are irreplaceable..

 

hmmm..  looking forward to our future.. where we look for our love nest.. our passport to forever ever after destination.. and adding new members to our love nest.. till then, then I will feel.. my life is complete.. where the last jigsaw puzzle is pieced up.. hope these days come real real soon Co's felt I ain't young anymore..

 

Happy 26th Birthday to myself.. hope my balance wishes will come true soon.. hope ppl I care and love stay healthy and happy..  and baby, I thank I for appearing in my life,  making my everyday filled with love, and joy.. I love you, Kalvin..  Mackie

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frustration
elindestinee

Wasn't in a good mood these days Co's am pretty stress up lately and I lose my cool easily these days.. I don't mean to react this way.. I couldn't control myself.. sorry if I hurt anyone in anyway.. Co's I really don't mean to.

 

had some minor arguments with love lately and I feel quite upset as it gets frequent due to my mood swings.. minor things seems to irritate me successful. I should just keep mum about it. then I won't create any unnecessary frustration or irritation to anyone. I am still me..will still be as giek.. just that those un happy things , I won't rant much about it. think it's netter

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In less than 12 Hours
elindestinee

hey blog, am back in less than 12 hours to confide in u again.. why do I always use the wrong words when trying to express my tots. I felt that was merely a comment. but was said to be rude In return..

 

Felt sucky..  and in order not to be a nuisance.. I decided to talk to u.  felt like I am having some speaking disorder or some speaking sickness which no medicine to cure me haha.. beyond cure liaox..

 

Sometimes I felt.. why must I climb upwards..  now I wish to be a normal staff.. where I can hack care as and when I like.. suddenly I felt tired of work.. and I felt like giving up.. I Dont have the quality to be a boss.. nor I felt I do not have what it takes.. at the basic.. using the right words..

 

I think I have been nice enuff to take care of my ppl.  and I know I have done my part in taking care of them.. I tried.. but I think ppl always take me for granted..

 

a lot of ppl know my weak point.. am too soft hearted.. and I ask a lot for a sense of assurance.. can be a nuisance.. and ppl tend to lose temper on me when I ask again.. Especially when this person is someone u care.. it hurts terribly..

 

I love to talk.. or hearing someone talking to me.. but now.. I think I have to selectively talk.. it's so un-me..  when pen-ing this down.. I felt a gush of ache came through my veins..

 

I am sensitive how ppl feel and would always tell ppl I am alright with a smile and a tear in the heart even if I am hurt...but coming back  am I really alright? I always wonder.. why do I always have to think of how someone felt and make someone else feel better when I felt sucky..

 

I hate lying to myself that tomorrow will be fine by not thinking about this.. In the past I am like that.. 26 years liaox I am still like that.
Hope things change. hope I change too.. Should I be hard hearted and not care what others think.. I should love myself more and not hurt myself..

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I am Sorry
elindestinee

since young, i have not been an expressive person nor someone who is good at my words.. I couldn't express my tots and how I felt.. therefore I rather keep it to myself..

 

Tonight, the moment u raised your voice, I decided not to heave a word..  not that I don't feel anything nor nothing was running though my mind. but rather, I  was too painful to talk.

 

I was wrong I don't deny.. I shouldn't be doubting nor I should questioned.. I know we love each other and I shouldn't be feeling this way..  it's just that I am afraid of losing someone I really love another time..

 

I  was paranoid..  I was defeated once before.. and was afraid of defeating another time as this phase was one of the most painful time I has been through 3 years back.. I took quite long to recover and trust love again.. till I met u, I thank u for entering in to my life, making my everyday something I look forward to.. and this feeling is something I really adore..

 

We face challenges previously and I decided to give us a chance again.. we went better than the  previous months.. I tot we were more stable.. till I saw the mail.. I went weak.. I know I shouldn't be doing this but I saw things that I am not suppose to see where things I saw wasn't concrete and was all my assumption. I am sorry for thinking too much..

 

I know u nv cheat on me.. but I dunno why am I reacting this way..  I felt insecure Co's I do not have the assets ppl have.. I ain't gentle.. I ain't pretty. any other girls out there seems to be better than me.. I do not have the looks to offer u.. nor have a very pleasant character like other girls.. but I know what I can offer u is the genuine love for u.. I can do anything for u within my means without asking anything back in return.u mean a lot to me.. till I think I over reacted when something went out of the norm..

 

I look forward to our future.. and can feel that it is getting nearer.. I wish we could be strong enough to walk towards there.. all I need was more courage..

 

I think it's too much to ask and probably u felt this was already the upmost u have given to me.. all I wish was some patience and assurance in return which I know u have given me..

 

Baby, I won't heave a word anymore nor touch your phone on personal things.. I shouldn't be doing that and I don't wanna do it anymore.. I am sorry that I have hurt u.. Rest assure.. I will not do it again nor ask about it.. I don't wanna be a pain in the ass nor wanna hurt this relationship.. I will trust u and shall not ponder upon this after this entry..

 

Hope u accept my apology and forgive me for what had happened.. I am sorry..

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